You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
