in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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