i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
