the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
