Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
