i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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