I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
