I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
