his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
