I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Barsexuality is the new black.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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