Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
