I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
