under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
