i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish my penis had a tongue
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
