This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
