I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
