I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
