Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
