I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
