I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
