i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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