Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
