Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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