Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
