Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
