Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
