You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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