girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
