I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
