Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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