gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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