get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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