I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
