I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
