So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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