I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
