pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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