so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
