On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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