you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
