it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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