dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
