Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
