I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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