Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
