when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
