Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
