I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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