I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Come share oat with me in your robe
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
