put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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