party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
