I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
